Finding By Losing

it has been a while

2010-04-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

I apologize for my disappearing act.
Lots of things have been happening in my life and lots of things have changed. Although many have not.
I don't feel the same connection for this blog as I did a year ago.
I feel like my experiment failed.
I didn't complete the mission.
I didn't make it to 100 days - looking back it was a bit extreme and perhaps I put too much pressure on myself to pull a biggest loser.

I've started writing my thoughts and musings down on another blog

http://151days.blogspot.com

If you would like to keep up with me this is the place to do it.

Thank you for your kindness.

Sarah

Day Fifty

2009-01-22T19:23:00.002-08:00

WOW!!!
Halfway to 100.
I wish I were feeling better.
Over all I feel good - all but this flu thing.
I'm thinking good thoughts and tomorrow I will feel better.
I didn't realise so many days had passed.
It's Thursday!!
Today is the first day I've been dressed since Sunday.
I've pretty much been doing nothing so I'm please the
scale hasn't gone up more than it has.
I've had lots of time to think so expect some pretty
brilliant / epic posts in the near future.

Day Forty Nine

2009-01-22T19:23:00.001-08:00

Dizzie.
Ickie.
Sickie.
Sleepie.

Day Forty Eight

2009-01-22T19:22:00.001-08:00

Sick.
Still.
Can't move.
Sleeping.

Day Forty Seven

2009-01-19T23:49:00.000-08:00

I think my aunt tried to kill me with dinner last night.
I've been sick all day.
Ugh.

Day Forty Six

2009-01-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

Had a fun family dinner at my aunts house.
It's always better when there are extra people joining in.
This week was some old family friends that my dad and uncle
went to grade school with and their kids who are now in uni.
I have a gym date in the morning with a girl that I work with.
The sun was out today.
It feels like a millon years since I've seen the sky.
We have had this crazy thick fog for a little while now.
I think this is going to be my best week yet.
I'm feeling really good.
Thanks for all the comments on the 44th post.
Made me feel much less alone in all of this.

Day Forty Five

2009-01-17T23:27:00.000-08:00

I woke up with a slight hang over.
But none of the inner pain that I was expecting.
Today was a nondescript day.
Went to work.
Got off work.
Oh - I did buy a new pair of jeans cause my old ones are too big.
Still haven't gone to get my new sports bra.
Perhaps tomorrow.
Felt a little bit numb all day.
Like an emotional hang over.
Hope to put that past me for tomorrow.

Day Forty Four

2009-01-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

Worst.
Day.
Ever.

I had high hopes for today.
I had the whole day off.
Was going to get a free bra.
Everything was looking good.
Then I left the house.
I went down to the store where I work to get my new free bra.
The store happens to be located right next door to my gym.
I was kinda excited to pick it out.
I usually just get those cheap jog bra's from target and wear two.
So as pathetic as it might seem I was pleased to get a proper one.
It's been a long while since I've been bra shopping.
It's really hard to find nice bigger size bra's.
I'm happy to be back down into the regular sizes.
While I was browsing the bra's I ran into some people I know, one girl who usually works on my floor was helping out in lingerie came over while I was browsing to say hello and what not.
The next thing I know she is calling me over to help her.
I go over and she is with a customer, at cute one at that, who looks a little bit ackward that this woman has gotten me involved in whatever he is looking for.
He looks at me in my street cloths and says "it looks like she is on her day off just shopping" the girl cuts him off and says "that's okay she works here - so is your girlfriend bigger than Sarah? Like is she as wide as Sarah? As fat?"
I was just in shock.
I felt bad for this poor guy.
He just came to buy a robe for his girlfriend.
Not to tear apart myself esteem.
Or be involved in one of the worst experiences of my life.
He frowns at her, shakes his head and gives me a sympathetic look.
I can tell that he is extremely uncomfortable - I know I was.
I feel bad for him and want to end the awkwardness
I smile and say "it's okay - if she is smaller - go with the large".
This women then takes him over to the robe section.
I am just standing there wondering if that just really happened.
I try to go back to looking at the bra's but I could feel the tears.
I just had to get out of the store.
I was going to start crying.
There was nothing I could do to stop it.
Called a friend when I got out side - I'm crying at this point.
As I'm telling her what happened I see the guy at the bus stop.
He waves and gives me another sympathetic look.
I smile back but it just made me feel worse.
I keep walking down the street till I find and empty place to sit.
I'm a bit of a mess at this point.
Cry face - all red and blotchy.
So I sit there for bit to calm down.
It's not working.
I was still crying crying.
Called another friend who was downtown to come meet me.
Went for drinks.
Chatted.
I feel better.
But still not great.
I know I should have more self esteem.
That the words of one thoughtless person shouldn't make me cry.
But I don't have more self esteem than that.
I'm going to work really hard not to let this spiral.
Turn these bad feelings into motivation.
I never want to feel this way again.
I think I'm going to bring this up with my manager tomorrow.
No one should have to feel like I did today.
Or how that customer felt.

Worst.
Day.
Ever.

Day Forty Three

2009-01-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

It wasn't a dream!!
I'm still in 220-town.
Fantastic.
I'm up .2 but seeing as I don't count anything less than .5
It's all good.

I had a great day.
Made all the right food choices - came in on budget.
Even had a little treat of chocolate milk.
That's my big indulgence now since I've given up the hard stuff.
It was really good and not that expensive calorie/fat wise.

I'm all about the positive thinking.
Yesterday I was thinking about a reward for leaving the 230's.
I need a new sports bra since mine are getting too big.(Horray!)
Totally wasn't ready to fork over 50 bucks on a new one however.
Looked like great support but I don't want to spend that much
money one something I'm going to shrink out of. (Horray!)
Today in the mail I get a coupon for one free bra up to $50.
How fantastic is that?!?!
I'm going to pick out my new bra before I go to the gym tomorrow.
(yes-yes I know I should wash it first but I'm not going to)
It will be nice to work out without the girls bouncing around.
And to not have to worry about taking out an eye!!
Very excited.

Day Forty Two

2009-01-14T23:01:00.000-08:00

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good bye
I'm glad see it go, I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye 230's, goodbye!!!!!!!

It's offical.
I'm out of the 230's.
Just barely but I'll take it.
Ahh the 220's.
Has such a great ring to it.
Before I started the depression spiral this is the weight I was.
Being here again feels like a starting over point.
Like I can put the past two years behind me and get back on track.
I'm soooo ready.

I had a fantastic work out today.
Worked hard.
Felt strong.
Doing it again tomorrow.
I've now lost 45 pounds in total from my highest point.
Or I guess my lowest point depending on how you look at it.
I picked up a 45 pound plate at the gym today to compare.
So glad I'm not lugging that around on my body anymore.
It was freaking heavy!!!
I'm so very happy to be rid of it!!

Onwards and Downwards!!

Day Forty One

2009-01-13T20:47:00.000-08:00

I don't know where the day went.
I got up early.
Read the paper and then....
I don't know what happened.
I just sort of puttered about doing random things.
Next thing I know it's nine and I've got to start
getting ready for bed!!
While I didn't do anything today I managed not to
do any mindless eating.
So that's is something I guess.
I need to amp it up here though.
I have alot to do.

Day Forty

2009-01-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

Great Monday.
Didn't do everything I wanted to do today.
But I feel like everything is falling in to place.
I feel.....happy.
Whoa.
How crazy is that?
I took some pictures today and compared them with old ones.
I find it really interesting to flip thru them and see the changes.
I think I can see that I'm happier now.
I'm not sure if it's really in the pictures or it's
That I can remember what I was feeling when each one was taken.
None the less I'm pretty pleased.
To add to my pleasure from my highest weight
I've lost 10 inches off my ribs.
That's almost a foot!
Whoa.
How crazy is that?
And 10 inches from around my belly button and my lower thighs.
Yes, I take a crazy amount of stats and measurements.
I do it just for this feeling I'm having right now.
I feel great.
I can see that all this hard work is worth it.
That I am changing my body.
That I can do this!

Day Thirty Nine

2009-01-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

Hip - Hip
Hoorrraaayy!!!
I'm under 232.
Happy Dance Time.

I'm so close to the 220's I can taste it.

Didn't let yesterday's events bog me down.
Though I did have a headache all day.

Had our usual family dinner at my aunts.
She is a great cook which is bad news for me.
This week I did very well.
The meal was easy to add up in my head and
I only ate the filling of the apple pie.
It was yummy.
I didn't even miss having the crust.
I love crust.
Or atleast I used to.
I now like losing weight more.

I work in the morning so I'm going to hit
the gym for a solid workout before.
Must remember to pack a lunch.
Haven't had to do that in a long time.

I'm sure I've said this before but I'll say it again.
I really like Sunday nights.
You get to set everything up for the rest of the week
and when you wake up in the morning you do so with a clean slate.

Hope everyone has a great week.

Day Thirty Eight

2009-01-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Ugh.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
A thousand times UGH.

I really shouldn't let it get to me.
I really should be more understanding.
But I'm not.
And I don't feel bad about it.
Quite frankly I think it's rude of THEM.

Why on earth would you have a conversation
in the car about how your 120 pound self feels
so fat and is too upset about it to ever wear
a bathingsuit and how upset you are that you
have to wear a size 4 and not a 2.
bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bal bla
On and on it went all the while a real fat person
was sitting in the back seat.
Ummmmm hello?
Are you freaking kidding me?
I just sat in the back and bit my tounge.
HARD.
It still hurts.

I know that everyone has body issues and hers
are just as real as mine - so I wont just write
them off as nothing. I understand she doesn't see
the world clearly and I don't want to negate her.

Unfortunately for me she doesn't understand what
her negative self talk does to me when I hear it.
The conversation in my head goes something like this:
If Shelley thinks she is ugly and fat and worthless
what on earth does she think of me?
Can she not see I'm 110 pounds heavier?
What is she thinking when she looks at me?
Does she even see me?
Or is she just looking at all the extra weight?
What about the others?
Sure, they are nice enough but I wonder if they
are talking behind my back about how fat I am?

And on it goes until I am spinning out
of control in a negative self talk spiral.

I know if I called her out on it she would feel horrible,
as I know it isn't her intention to make me feel bad,
she is just sharing how she feels about herself.
It just simply does not occur to her.
Most people are wrapped up in their own little worlds,
they don't notice the effect thier words and actions have.

I'm going to work really hard tonight to keep out the
negative thoughts and turn these bad feelings into
motivation for the gym.

I never want to feel this way again.
The only way to do that is by losing weight.
Forget this self acceptance crap.
Get in shape.

Day Thrity Seven

2009-01-09T23:28:00.000-08:00

Hello body?
This is Sarah.

So listen - I'm really excited that we've been losing the weight.
Great job.
Everything is looking good.
I have one small favour to ask.
It's nothing really - it's just that it's driving me freaking mental.
Do you think we could get below 232 any time soon?
I know.
I know.
You have to do things your way and you can't be rushed.
But seriously.
It would just be great to start next week - oh lets say in the 220's.
That would be awesome.
Great so far - really good job.
Keep up the good work.
If there is anyting I can do to help move this along just ask.

Thanks again.

Day Thirty Six

2009-01-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

I had an okay day.
It was neither here nor there.
I ate okay - within my target range but I could have picked better things.
I bet that's why I felt so tired all day.
Work tomorrow. Gym tomorrow before work.
Just need to keep keeping on.
And I need to drink more water.

Day Thirty Five

2009-01-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

Had a great workout. It felt like a super long time since I'd been to the gym but when I looked at the calendar it really hadn't been that long. I was worried that place was going to be packed but it wasn't. I pretty much had the place to myself. I think there were 5 other people there. Very odd. Where are all the new year resolution people? I don't mind however, I love having the gym to myself. I love it so much I've already packed my gym bag for tomorrow.

Eating was good today - I've been having more veggies. Very much wanted a bottle of coke today but I didn't give in, even though I know there is a 24 pack of cans downstairs. I'm not a huge pop drinker but everyonce and a while there is nothing like a glass of coke.

It's raining still and the forecast is calling for more all week long.
Will I ever see the sun again?

Goals for tomorrow:

Work out 2 hours
Home work 6 hours
Laundry
Vacuum
Write thank you cards from christmas
Eat on target
Push ups
Sit ups

Day Thirty Four

2009-01-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

I miss seeing the sky and the sun.
It's been far too long.
I'm starting to feel like a mole person.
I'm in need of some UV rays.
Or atleast one of those super bright lamps.

Today was an okay eating day.
And that was about it.
I got nothing done and I don't feel bad about it.
Sometimes it's nice just to putter about and do nothing.
I have a session in the morning with my trainer.
First one of the new year.
Also the first time I will have gone to the gym this year.
And will be the start of a very long run of daily gym visits.
I've got my head back in the game and I'm ready to push
myself to the next level. Grrrrrr

Goals for tomorrow

30 mins cardio before training session
Eat cleanly
Study 6 hours
Wall push ups
Sit ups
Write two reply emails that I've been putting off.

Day Thirty Three

2009-01-05T23:32:00.001-08:00

Nothing ever happens as quickly as we would like it to. The first few months were a lot of hard work. I had to reprogram my brain. Change how I viewed myself, the world and my place in it. It took a solid six months before I saw even a glimmer of the old me, and then I started to remember what life was like back then. I started doing the things I used to do; things that made me happy, things that were a part of my life before all of this darkness. I didn’t really want to do them, I didn’t have much interest it but I was going to fake it till I made it. The more I did it the better I felt, the more I wanted to do. The cloud around me started to lift in response. That’s what it had felt like – a big dark cloud all around me, holding me in and keeping others out.

I saw Alice for exactly one year. My big take away lesson was that depression makes you want to do the very opposite of what you should be doing to be happy again. It sounds far too simple I know but it’s true. Just when we should be reaching out to our friends and family we shut down. Just when we should be eating healthy we eat crap. Just when we should be working out we sit at home watching TV. It happens slowly which is why we don’t notice it. The dark cloud is like a fog that rolls in when we aren’t paying attention.

It’s been 9 months since my last session with Alice. I still keep her card with me just in case but I haven’t had to use it. I know I have the skills to deal with whatever comes my way. Big earth shattering, life changing things have happened to me in the past 9 months. Things that I know I wouldn’t have been able to deal with if they had happened a few years ago. I don’t like to think about what would have happened to me if they had. It wouldn’t have been pretty. I still take a daily happy pill but will be stopping this spring. For me it was a bridge to get past this dark spot. I work at being happy everyday. It’s a choice I make. I am always on top of it. I know what my triggers are and am on the look out for them. Once and a while I find myself at the bookstore looking the “self-help” section, it used to be my genre of choice, even before I was depressed. I always felt that I was lacking something. I was always searching for answers. Now when I catch myself in that section I say to myself “Not human being but a human doing.” Which means the answers aren’t in the analyzing of self but in the actualization of self.

I put on the weight thru negative thinking and I will be taking it off with positive thinking. It’s my last road block and brick my brick pound by pound I’m getting rid of it because I want to be happy.
I deserve to be happy.
I will be happy.

Day Thirty Two

2009-01-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote the other day about feeling like a whole new person and it’s true. Three years ago – even one year ago I was very different.
I am not really sure who I was, I didn’t feel like myself. I was plagued with negative thoughts. Getting out of bed was an effort, focusing outside of work was pointless to the point that I dropped out of college. I stopped going out with my friends because I had such high social anxiety. My time outside of work revolved around binge eating. I put so much effort into projecting a façade of happiness at work that I would breakdown in tears on a daily basis for the sheer exhaustion of it all.
I was lost.
I was ashamed.
I didn’t know what to do.

I was brought up in a “try harder” family. If things get tough, you just pull up your bootstraps and try harder. It wasn’t working – no matter how hard I tried it just seemed to get worse. That failure just played into all the other failures I saw in my life. It was a viscous circle. I knew I was depressed. The hundreds of web articles and self diagnosing web tests told me so. I didn’t know what to do about it. I had been to therapy in the past as a child – sent by my parents to deal with their divorce and my mothers drinking. I did not like it. I have strong memories of sitting in a small dank office being terribly bored and uncomfortable. After the first session I never spoke to the councilor again. I just sat there for my hour looking around the room, reciting anything I had ever memorized in my head. After a month of this my mother let me quit. I wasn’t eager to relive the experience in my adult life but at the same time I knew I had to do something if I ever wanted my life to be better. It took two tries and six months but I finally told my doctor what was going on and what I wanted.
It changed my life.

I started taking a daily happy pill and seeing Alice. I liked her from the moment I met her. She was everything I wanted to be. She is pretty and smart and put together. I can only imagine now what I mess I must have been that first day. I saw Alice twice a week for the first few months and then weekly for a year. It wasn’t that she told me anything I didn’t already know. It was that I had someone to be responsible to. She assigned homework and I did it. No matter how silly or foolish or stupid it seemed, I did it. I resigned myself to the fact that what I had been doing in the past wasn’t working and was willing to do almost anything to get out of the dark place I was in.

(more tomorrow)

Day Thirty One

2009-01-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

Oh happy day!! I've broken the 235 mark.
Will it last till tomorrow? That's the question.
I'm sure my weight will hop and dance like it does for a few days.
But I'm getting so close to leaving the 230!!
Very excited, I haven't been in the 220's for a long time.
Gasssp....... you know what comes after 220's ??
The 210's!! I haven't been there in a very very long time!!
This is all very encouraging.
I'm very excited to reach these new weights.
I have clothing packed away that will fit again.
Everyone says to throw things away if you haven't worn them in six months.
I completely refused to do that.
That would mean that I was accepting to be fat forever.
I completely refused to believe that.
I know most of them are out of style and I'll be buying all new things.
But it will not be because I’m too fat.
I never want to have to say I’m too fat for anything.
For so many years that has been my excuse for not living.
Vacation with the girls? I’m too fat.
Going out for dinner? I’m too fat.
Going out on a date? I’m too fat.
Never again.

Day Thirty

2009-01-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

I leaped out of bed this morning.
I can smell how fresh the air is with change and possibility.
I feel 10 feet tall and 500 pounds lighter.
For all intent and purpose I am a whole new person.
Everything is brighter, whiter, sharper, and clearer.
There isn't just a spring in my step - it's a dance.
I feel like DANCING !!!
Like shaking hips, my money maker, what my mama gave me.
Dancing for joy, for hope, for the future, for myself.
My whole self is awake ready to experience this brave new world.
I feel connected to the universe.
I feel that there are great things to come.
That I will be better than OK.
That I will be blissful.
I am sunshine and lollipops personified.

Day Twenty nine

2009-01-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

Horray 2009!!!
I just got my computer back yesterday. What a mess. I had to ship it back to dell and have them work their magic on it. I still really don't know what happened to it. Whatever it was - it almost killed me. I really really love my computer and my music and everything that has to do with it.

I was thinking about what to do with the lost days - and seeing as I'm pretty much the same weight as I was when I stopped I'm just going to pretend like the break never happened.
It's fun to make up your own rules as you go along.

I had a super eating day and though I didn't do any fitness I did work and boy was I running all over the place. It seems I'm the only one who thinks that everything should be shut down for New Years day. I liked it when you couldn't even go to 7-11 or Starbucks. It was nice.

I'm very excited about the new year.
Last year was horrible.
I have high hopes for 2009.

Day Twenty Eight

2008-12-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

Had a great time with the fashion show.
Didn't get nerves at all.
Thank goodness!!!

Had my make up done at Etse Lauder - Lovely. If I ever hit it big the first two people I'm going to hire are daily hair and make up. It's amazing how I spend the same amount of time in the morning doing it but I never look as good as when the pro's do it. Back to the show. I had four outfits to model. I wasn't really crazy about any of them - all a little too old for me but the best part was they were all too big!!. Every thing fit bigger than it had two weeks ago when I first tried it all on. So while my weight has been pretty much holding at 237ish my inches are going down. That I can live with. In the show there were petites, regular and above average - that's what they call "BIG GIRL" sizes at my store. The MC was trying very hard to be polite but at the same time he did have to call to attention the fact that we do sell the bigger sizes. I felt a little bad for the guy - I wanted to tell him it was okay - I know what I look like - it's not a secret.

I don't know about you but the terms "above average" and "woman" don't make me feel any better than "plus size". And on top of it, I'm sure there are more "plus size" than average size people out there. And another thing, alot of the people shopping in our "BIG GIRL" section aren't fat per se they are just taller. I'm about 100 percent sure that if you took their body shape and scaled it down to someone who was 5'5 or whatever they wouldn't be considered as overweight as they are when they are 5'10. It's almost like taller people have to be thinner. This could just be my own hang up - but I find it annoying that I know people who have a higher body fat percentage and BMI than I do but because they are 5'4 they can still shop at regular stores in the mall that I can't shop at until I lose 50 pounds.
End Rant.

On the bright side --I got a FAB new jacket on sale - reg 200 I paid 45. Hooray for a deal. Even bigger HOORAY it isn't a "BIG GIRL" size. It's black and a mid weigh cashmere and I'm in love with it. I'm going to buy a cute little hat and scarf set to go with it tomorrow.

I bought some christmas chocolates and they were calling my name tonight - but I resisted the temptation. I had better get them out of the house soon though or they will be finished before the weekend is over!!!!!

mmmmmm Purdy's

USA translation: Purdy's = See's Chocolates

Day Twenty Seven

2008-12-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the BIG fashion show. I'm a little more nervous this week than I was last week. Got to suck it up though. It will be good for me. I think. When I was little I used to model and didn't think anything of it. I need to be more like my 5 year old self.

I've started the hunt for my dream job, though I'm not totally sure what that is. While I do enjoy working at the department store, it is below my ability. Plus the money sucks. A friend and I were talking about doing a tour of Africa this summer. That would be AMAZING but I'll need to get a real job to pay for it. I'm very luck to be in ths personal situation that I'm in. It will allow me to take my time and be very picky about my future job. Lets see if "The Secret" really works. If you don't know what the secret is I highly recomend you google it.

My New Job......
Atleast 4 weeks Vacation to start
Full Medical and Dental
Downtown - close to my gym
Over 50k per year to start
Nice People - close to my age
Great Boss
Fun environment
Standard work hours
Enjoyable work

Has anyone ever used the secret with any success?

Day Twenty Six

2008-12-03T22:49:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to feel a bit better and my internet is back on.
I'm not sure what I did before I had the internet but I know that I'm a crazy person with out it.
It's such a part of me. It was almost a little bit sad. I think I'm an addict. I thought about checking my email all the time, I wanted to read CNN.com , log my food - I just missed it more than I think I should have.

I haven't gone to the gym this week which I think has also thrown me off a little bit. Things are going good. Eating okay - my period makes me hungry. I'm not sure if that's in my head or a true fact but I crave sweets when I have it. Other than that things are good.

Time for me to go to bed and try to sleep off the yuckie.

Day Twenty Five

2008-12-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

Still sick. Still in pain. Still yuckie.

I'm 25% done!!!!!
Hoooorraaaaaay.
I'd do a happy dance if I didn't think I'd throw up.

It's Britney Spears Birthday which means her new CD is out.
Hoooorraaaaaay.
I'd do a happy dance if I didn't think I'd throw up.

My internet connection has been on the fritz.
Booooooooooooo.
I'd do an angry dance if I didn't think I'd throw up.

Day Twenty Four

2008-12-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

Long Long Long Long Long Long Long Day.

My head hurts.
My feet hurt.
My back hurts.
I think I can even feel my bones and they hurt too!!!

I'm sick.
I hate being sick.

Day Twenty Three

2008-11-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like a crazy person.
I don't know what it is.
I'm going to blame it on my period (sorry to any male readers)
I don't know what it is though.
I've just been hangry.
That's Hungry and Angry at the same time.
I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow and the first day of a new month.
I need to take a few moments to regroup and recommit to myself.

Day Twenty Two

2008-11-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

Such a busy and crazy day at work.

Hardly had time to think. I have never worked this shift before so everything got out of wack. I had my plan all set but what I didn't count on was my plan place being closed before I took my dinner break. No skim milk for Sarah. Le sigh. So kinda a bust. Still doing okay. Keep on Keeping on.

Day Twenty One

2008-11-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

The fashion show is next Friday.
As it turns out my listening skills are subpar.

I was Four Christmases today.
Great Great Great Great movie.
Go see it.

Full disclosure:

I had McDonalds and I loved it. I think it has been almost a year since I've had it. It was really yummy. I feel a little sick about it right now but at the time it was oh so good. I'm still with in my Calorie Target for the day - however I think all the Calories I ate today were crap. I forgot my packed meals at home and really wasn't focused enough to switch to my fall back plan. I have a late start tomorrow at work so I'm going to offset this McDonald's business with a solid workout before my shift. It was very yummy but I think I can wait another year before I have it again.

I will rate today at 4.

Day Twenty

2008-11-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

My body is loving the 238.8.
I'm hating it. Now if it was 138.8, I could totally live with that.
I'm doing everything on target and on plan so I just need to keep on keeping on.

Tomorrow is my fashion show at work. I'm a little nervous, I'm not going to lie. For years now I've avoided having my picture taken and spent countless hours stressing about going out in public. I've missed weddings, vacations, and parties just because I couldn't deal with the thought of it.

I'm trying to live the "fake it till you make it" motto.
I might not be totally ready for this but I'm going to do it anyways.
If I don't start now how do I expect it to ever happen.

I love that it's the start of a new month on Monday.
It always feels like a fresh start.

Day Nineteen

2008-11-26T23:04:00.000-08:00

Being a woman is a pain the ovaries.

I don't really mind getting my period, I'm pretty lucky in that I don't suffer too much.
I do however get the over night weight gain, which is good times.

I'm currently taking a class on gender differences and while I'm not about to burn my bra , it has been fairly eye opening. I could go on an on about the injustices of the world but I wont. I'm afraid I woudln't be able to stop. I'm just very very thankful I was born in a western nation in the 20th century.

I had a great training session today and The Rock was at my gym. That guy is really good looking and does a hell of a work out. He totally works for his body. He has earned it. Makes me want to earn mine. Which I am doing, slowly but surely.

I'm having a good week so far.

Day Eighteen

2008-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

On target.
On plan.

I was super tired today. I need to focus on getting to bed before 11pm. Ideally I'd like to be in bed by ten but I'll start with small steps first.

I have a session with my trainer in the morning and will be signing up for 12 more. That should take me past the end of this 100 days. Very exciting.

Lots going on in my head these days. This whole global depression has me thinking. While I do enjoy this little part time job I have going at the department store, it really isn't the best financial plan. I'm making close to little money. I didn't take the job for the money however - I did it to get out of the house. It's hard to strike that balance between doing what is good for my bank account and what is good for me as a person. I'm pretty lucky to be in the position that I'm in. Most people don't get a chance not to work full time and just focus on themselves. I sometimes feel guilty about it and worry that I'm not doing as much as I should be doing and making the most of it. I've been working full time and going to to school since I finished high school. It's so nice to sleep in and not have any pressure. It's almost like I don't know how to function. There have been days where I really don't do anything. Just kind of putter around. I really enjoy it. But I know this time is limited and in the very near future I will need to get a real job. I think though my future life will be better if I stay out of the full time work world and get my life in check now.

Get my degree, get this weight off and the world is mine for the taking.

Day Seventeen

2008-11-24T21:45:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh rest.
And a return to normal - well as normal as it gets.

I'm very pumped up for this week. Gym, school, work, all that good stuff. I'm able to turn around negative self talk fairly quickly. I don't crave bad things, I look forward to my gym time. I think I'm starting to hit a groove, everything isn't such an effort anymore.

It takes 21 days for something to become a habit. Only four more to go!!

It 2000 repetitions to make something a natural reaction, for it to be automatic. 2000 sounds like alot but 2000 negative thoughts were easy to come by and they did become automatic. It's time to come up with new things to think. I need to create a new truth if I want to change my life. I can't keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

I've done the math and to reach the golden number of 2000 I will need to tell myself each of these things atleast 25 times per day. Totally doable.

* Ok, ten minutes have passed and I'm having a hard time coming up with things. In part because I don't want to sound like I'm cocky or too self loathing. In the spirit of thise blog as a case study I'm going to write down everything and anything anyways.

Things I'd like to hold as truths:

I am a happy person.
I am beautiful.
I am a healthy.
I am worthy of a happy life.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
I am loveable.
I am smart and capable.
I am sexy.
I am deserving of good things.
I am able to have a good relationship.
People like me.
I will be okay no matter what happens.

I am going to print these and carry them around with me for the rest of this case study.
Fake it till you make it.
I hope by day 100 that these are my truths.

What are somethings you'd like as your truth?

Goals for the week:

Read list 25 times per day
Hit daily fiber goals
Gym 6 times
Drink more water
Wall push ups
6 hours per day of school work
Make my bed each morning (i'm bad for that one)
Mail out christmas presents

Day Sixteen

2008-11-24T21:43:00.000-08:00

Sunday was a crazy busy day.
After I came home I just crashed and went to sleep.

Nothing too interesting to report.

Day Fifteen

2008-11-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Had a great day at work.
Drank a ton of water.
Had a post new kids on the block hang over - (not from drinking just from sheer joy)
Wasn't hungry all day - I just couldn't eat anything.

Met up with a friend for dinner. Full disclosure: I ate a burger and fries. Logged everything when I got home - and due to the loss of apoetite earlier in the day I maintained my target range. Blew it on the fat limit by 10 but it was so yummy.

I have to admit these past 3 days have been not exactly what one would call ideal. I'm trying not to harp on that too much. It's a tough balance between being a food nazi and having a good time.

How does everyone else strike a balance? Do you ever go off plan?

My motivation is still high and I'm feeling good about myself and everything that I'm doing. So onwards we go.

Goals for tomorrow:

Drink water
Sleep 8 hours
Eat on plan
Wall push ups
Sit ups
Wrap Christmas presents (I have to send some stuff overseas)

**
Thanks for the fiber tips - I'm going to try them this week.

Day Fourteen

2008-11-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm down.
I'm up.
I'm down.
I'm up.

Who knows what the deal is. I don't think I'm getting enough fiber. Way too much information I'm sure. Anywho - I read somewhere that one needs 25-30g per day. I'm not getting near that, so I've gotten some Benefiber that I can mix into drinks. I hope that helps regulate all this.

I didn't go to the gym today - but I did go to the New Kids On The Block concert. It was amazing!!!!! My 10 year old self had such a good time. I loved every single second of it. My ears are ringing, my feet hurt and I'm pretty sure I've lost my voice. All signs of a great concert.

I was asked to be in the Holiday Fashion Show for work, I guess it's kind of a big deal - everyone else at work is excited about it. ( I work at a major department store downtown). I said yes but I'm going to have to push myself to do it. I need to get over this being afraid to be seen stuff. I was very glad I didn't have any of those feelings pop up tonight at the concert. It means all my hard work in that area is paying off!!!

Sorry this post has been one long run on sentence, I'm still in my post NKOTB concert haze.

Day Thirteen

2008-11-20T22:01:00.000-08:00

S-U-C-C-E-S-S
That's the way we spell success!!
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y
Victory, victory that's our cry!!

It's been a great day.
I'm no longer a law breaker and I don't think the picture is going to be too terrible.
The scale went back down. Magic!!
Planned the work and worked the plan. I decided to be less of a Nazi and allow a little bit of fun in my life. Preplanned and calculated fun, but fun none the less. Had dinner with the girls tonight - before we went out I looked up a few places I thought we might go to so that I would be able to make good choices. They didn't really care where we went so instead of picking the great yummy burger place, I made the call and we went for sushi.
I'm happy to report that I stuck within my calorie budget for the day!!! Snaps for Sarah.
I'm not a big soda drinker but I've always had a can of coke with sushi, tonight I passed on those empty calories and just had water. Even better though - I had a sip of my friends coke and it was the cookie experience all over again. I didn't like it. I tasted funny and fake and ickie sweet.

The cosmetic's event was really fun. There were lots of people there and we were able to go to each counter and try all the products with out any presure from the sales girls which was nice. It was fun just to goof around and be girly. I knew there would be wine served so I budgeted in a merlot, just enough to get a taste and it was perfect. I'm really glad I did that. It's hard to feel left out. We all ended up getting a little something. It's funny how such a little thing can make you feel so great!

Costmetic type things that make me feel great:
Perfume
I never ever tell anyone what I wear - who wants to smell the same as someone else?
I'll tell you though ..... I love Coco Channel - I think it smells like heaven - it's my daily staple.
Happy for Men by Clinique - it really does make me happy when I wear it.
Anything by Calvin Klein - CK1 is great and I do like the new one called Euphoria
Red Lipstick
I just got my first red lipstick a few weeks ago and it's amazing. It's so sexy. It makes me feel glamorous and fabulous. Red is hard to do - I went for Channel as everyone says they have the best reds. I think it's true - I'm madly in love with mine.
MAC make up
I love their holiday collections. They have great little sets out for Christmas and they are so pretty! If you have $30 to spend on yourself spend it here. The lipset in Canada is $27 - It's what I bought myself tonight. The case is red and has a big jewel on it and will fit great in my purse.
Music - I love music and personal dance parties, these three are on today's playlist:
*Single Ladies - Beyonce
Great line: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.
*Get Up Of That Thing - James Brown
Great line: Get up off that thing - and dance cause you'll feel better
*Don't Stop Till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson
Great line: Duh !! - Don't stop till you get enough

What are some things that make you feel great?
I'm always looking for new ideas. I think it's important to take the time to take care of oneself. I think that is where my downhill slide started. At some point I stopped doing these little things and then somehow in my brain it got twisted around to being that I didn't deserve them. I find myself still thinking like that sometimes. I'm aware of it now so I'm working on it. It's hard though, negative thinking becomes a part of us so quickly we don't even notice it's there. I'll get to some of those in another post. I had suck a great day I don't even want to go there.

Tomorrow I work and then I go to the New Kids On The Block concert. My 10 year old self is giddy!! I've been listening to their music all night - I still know all the words and can remember sitting in my room with my tape deck making mixed tapes of all my favorites.

Tomorrow my goals are as follows:

gym before work
eat clean
drink water
wall push ups
tidy room
have fun at the concert and not let old thoughts have any effect.
(one of my old negative thoughts was that I was too fat to go anywhere or do anything - that I didn't belong/deserve to there. I've pretty much gotten past this on a day to day level but this will be the first big event I've gone to in years)

That's it for me - I need to sleep - I've got a fun filled day ahead.

Day Twelve

2008-11-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what the deal is with the scale.
Last week about this time I was up 1.4 pounds, and today it's the same thing. I wrote it off as my free day weight gain but now I wonder if this is going to be a pattern. Does my body have yet another cycle that I'm not aware of? I'm trying not to freak. I'm on plan and on target so no problems there. Just have to wait and see what it does tomorrow. Still frustraiting, I like to see downwards movement. It's very rewarding.

Had a good day - worked out with my trainier. Had tons of energy and this session didn't kick my ass. I worked hard but wasn't dead by the end of it. I can feel myself getting stronger. I know I haven't been doing the wall push ups very long but I swear I can feel a difference.

Tomorrow is going to be a test of my will and inner resolve.
There is a Cosmetic Event happening at a department store downtown, my friends and I are going to go. This will be my first social situation while on my 100 day challenge. I'm a little bit worried. I know there will be munchies and drinks being served. If I want to stay on target I need to make a solid plan for the day. I don't want the scale to go up two days in a row.

The plan for tomorrow is as follows:

On target eating. No exceptions.
Drink lots of water. Bring water bottle to the event.
Work out in the morning.
Study for 4 hours.
Wall push ups.
Dance party.

Remember when I said I had lots of energy after my work out?
It's only 7:30 now and I'm thinking of going to bed!! How sad is that? I hate that it gets so dark so early now. I miss it being light out till 10pm.

Rather than go to bed at the same time as the 5 year olds in the neighbourhood, I'm going to colour my hair. This is an on going saga in my life. I'm a natural blonde but it isn't as blonde as it once was so I like to make it brighter. No one ever notices but I've always been hyper aware of the level of blondness am always looking for that right one to bring back the lovelyness it was in my youth. I had it once but then they went and stopped making it. Le sigh. Then around the time that I started putting on the weight I let my hair go do it's natural thing which I'm pretty sure was a sign that I had given up on myself a little bit. So I'm going back to my old ways of being a light blonde and perhaps my old skinnier self will appear sooner than later.

What are some things that you do to make yourself feel good?
(other than eat food?)

Day Eleven

2008-11-18T20:59:00.001-08:00

I'm a law breaker. I never got a notice to renew my drivers licence, so I've been on the road with an expired one for almost two months! Lucky I didn't get into an accident. Phew. Ofcourse this means that I have to have my picture taken. I'm not so keen on that idea - but the last time I didn't like it I just told them I lost it and needed a new one. So if the picture sucks that is what I'm going to do. Who wants to live the next 5 years with an ugly picture? Not me!!!

Speaking of superfical.

Stretchmarks.
I have them and I hate them.
Words can not begin to capture my total and complete loathing. It's yet another reminder of what I've done to my body. And I'm afraid a lasting one. I can lose the weight but what about those marks? I hate that word. Like "marks" is anywhere near fitting of the trauma that caused them. They are scars. They are battle wounds. They are my fatscars. I worry that they will betray the new me that I am working to create. Will I ever be able to wear a bikini? It's not like I've had a child. How will I ever explain them? "Oh those marks? Well, you see I was once soooo fat that I was tearing my skin apart from the inside."

Ofcourse in my real life I'd never admit to being that superficial about anything and if I heard someone else talking with such a negative outlook, I'd come up with some sort of "anyone who is worth loving should love you as you are or they aren't worth loving" speech. And yes, I know it's not the end of the world and I'll still be very happy with life even if I never do wear a bikini. Who am I kidding - I'd most likely wear the damn thing anyways.

None the less that isn't going to stop me from trying all sorts of halfbaked methods to get rid of them. Since wishful thinking has been proven not to work on it's own I'm going to add the "Derma Roller" into the mix.

What's this you ask:

Now I don't know if it was the posh accent, but that kinda made sense to me. I also remember seeing something about Dr Phill's wife pitching them and how they increase absorption of creams. My roller came yesterday and I think I like it. I'm going to take some before pictures and every few weeks I'll post some more to see if there is any progress. I tried to look online to see if anyone had before and after's but really couldn't find anything that was convincing either way.

Anyone know of other methods for treating fatscars?

Review of the day:

Ate well
Didn't drink enough water
Slept 8 hours
Didn't get to the gym - but did do a 40 min walk to the post office and back
Studied 3 hours.

Before I make these goals I should really check to make sure there is enought time in the day to get everything done!

**
I posted some pictures in the sidebar
The first picture is from 07.07.07 - me at my highest weight.
Looking at that picture makes me want to cry.
The others are from various weights till now.
The last picture of each set is the first picture I've taken this case study.

Day Ten

2008-11-17T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a rough one.
I almost wish I would have stayed in bed.
Almost everything was trying.
My bus was late by 15 minutes - which means I could have walked and made it in the amount of time.
My locker didn't want to work so I had to take all my stuff out and find another one. My gym has digital locks on the lockers - pretty posh - unless they don't work.
Mean customers who yell and call names. Needless today I was in the stock room crying for a little while after she left.
I killed a register, it just up and died while I was trying to sort out the aformentioned customer. I think it didin't want to deal with her anymore so it committed suicide.
A no bill return where it appears she just took items off the sales floor, put them in a bag and marched over to our cash desk for a full refund. Called security, but they didn't see her do it therefore as per our liberal return policy there was nothing to do but refund her the money. Ms. Shoplifter got almost 500 bucks. No bad for an hours work.
Oh and a footcramp by the end of the day.

Enough of all the trials and tribulations however.
Today I successfully:

Drank water
Ate Cleanly
Went to the gym
Slept 7.5 hours

Horray for Me!!!

I was going to hit the gym for a second round after work and do a bit of cardio - but the lovely customers zapped any sort of motivation I had for the day.

I took some pictures this evening, but since I have moved some furniture in my room I couldn't get same angle. I took some in the bathroom but somehow I looked fatter now than I did ten pounds ago. I have the day off tomorrow so I'm going to take another round.

As for my measurements please see the side bar.
R = ribs
B = boobs
M = middle
H = hips

Not a huge change in numbers but I do feel my clothes are looser which is always a nice.

Goals for tomorrow:

Sleep 8 hours
Eat Clean
Hit gym
Wall push ups
Drink water
Dance (having a little rock out session always makes me feel happy)
Study 6 hours

What are some things you do to lift your spirits?
I like to dance. I have my very own dance parties, or sometimes I have a happy dance if something good happens.

PS
What is a shreder challenge?

PPS
Thanks for everyones comments, you help keep me on target and on plan.
I think having people to be accountable to is a HUGE motivator, so thank you!

Day Nine

2008-11-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I tossed and turned, turned and tossed. I just couldn't turn my brain off. I ended up getting about 4 hours sleep. Good Grief. I've been reading alot about the importance of getting 8 hours of sleep. As a rule I'm 6 hour a night sleeper but since I started my 100 days I've been getting atleast 8 hours. I have to admit I do feel better. I don't know what happened.... oh wait.... I bet it was that stupid cookie that kept me up and it's stupid sugar and processedness. (I'm going to pretend that's a word) Needless today I didn't go the gym this morning. That's okay. I'm not going to harp on it. Tomorrow is a new day. And to the gym I will go. I don't think I'll have any sleep trouble tonight.

I had a good day at work. I like not having a desk job but I'm not sure I want retail to be my career. Time will tell.

Goals for this week:

Eat Clean
Gym 6 days
Sleep 8 hours
Drink lots of water

It's day ten tomorrow so I think I'll take another picture and I'll post some of my measurements.

Day Eight

2008-11-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 240's, goodbye.
I hope to never see those numbers on my scale ever again.
Now to battle the 230's. It's go time.
I need to hit the gym more. I work at 10 tomorrow and the gym opens at 8. I just must get there by 8 so I can put in atleast an hours worth of sweat time. After work I'm really just zonked from all the people, the lights and running around in proper shoes.

I bought the cutest dress today and it wasn't even a BIG GIRL size - just a plain old extra large. I cannot wait till the day I shop back in the regular sizes for all my clothing. It's really depressing that all the BIG GIRL styles are for the most part ugly or too old lady and I really miss Banana Republic. I love that store. I've been saving up all the clothes that I'm shrinking out of. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of them, some people have told me to sell them as a lot on ebay. Sounds interesting - I hate just to give them away - I spent alot of money on them!!
Plus with the money I get from selling them I can buy new clothes!! Not that I really need new skinny clothes - I have drawers and drawers packed with things I used to wear. I never got rid of any of it. I wanted it to sit there and look at me and be a daily reminder. Does anyone else do that?

The christmas music has started at work. I live in Canada,we havethanksgiving in October - so once November 12th hits here - everyone is in full christmas mode. Only 39 days till christmas. I wonder how much I'll weigh . And then New Years!! Wow - I would really really love to be out of the 200's by then. That is my objective- to start the new year off as a new person, to say goodbye to the 200's Sarah and hello to the 100's Sarah!!

Full disclosure:
I was having a major sugar craving tonight. Bad. So instead of my carbs with dinner I had a big oatmeal cookie. Actually, I was going to eat two but a funny thing happened. I didn't in enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Sure I ate the whole thing but I put the second one away. It just tasted like processed food. I've been eating all this yummy whole food and now cookies seem to have lost their charm. What a great turn of events!

Day Seven

2008-11-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

First week and I'm down 4.6 pounds. Not bad. Not bad at all.
From my highest weight I am down 30.2 pounds.
That makes me very happy!!
This first week had a few blunders - ie "the free day" - Not a bad week I'll give it a 7.Funny thing this idea of a free day - I don't really think I need it - or should have it. It makes me obsessive - my mind locks on and all I can think about is FOOD. High Fat FOOD. If I stick on plan and on target I never think about food. It' never occurs to me. I just eat at the times I plan in the morning and eat what has be logged into Calorie King - end of story. One thing I do need to do is notice how much water I'm drinking a day - I am sure it isn't nearly enough. I've pretty much cut out all drinks but water and skim milk - and the milk is planned into the meals so that leaves good old water. Lucky for me I love water.

I didn't do the gym today - I figure the 6 hours that I'm walking around working at the department store is enough of a work out - my feet are tired by the end of the day. Before work tomorrow I'm going to buy a pedometer and see just how many steps I walk while at work. I think that might give me a better indication of if I can count work as a work out. Atleast for now - I don't really want to push myself too hard and burn out. The better shape I'm in the more I can do.

Speaking of better shape, I woke up this morning with sore ab's and arms. I LOVE IT. I hope to have this feeling forever. It is such a great reminder to stay on target and to keep it up.
I'm totally diggin wall push ups - they are pretty much my favorite thing to do right now.
Here is a video from YouTube - he offers some great ideas on how to keep it interesting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22P0NezrXpc
As for the sit ups - I'm not as crazy about them but I do mix them up to keep it interesting:
* regular crunch with my legs resting on the coffee table
* lay on my back with my feet straigh up in the air and alternate lowering each leg to the ground and bringing it back up again ( I put my hands under my bum palms down with thumbs touching and pointer fingers touching so it doesn't hurt the old tail bone) I do this one fairly slow - making sure to have full control
* feet flat on the floor - crunch up but hold it and alternate between reaching for each ankle - this one is done quickly.

I hope one day to really have a six pack and not this keg I'm lugging around.

What do you do for your abs?
Any tricks or tips for that pouch area?

Day Six

2008-11-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

Great day.
Went to the gym 20 minutes before my session to get some cardio in. I love the elliptical - I think I could be on that all day. It's even better since there is a TV attached to it. I usually watch "What Not To Wear" but this morning I watched an infomercial on Bare Minerals make up. Anyone use that? I think they've sucked me in - I'm really interested - the before and afters were amazing. I love before and after pictures - I could look at them all day. But I digress - back to the work out; my trainer, who I'm going to refer to as Tinkerbell in this blog ( her real name is equally as girly - I asure you) usually has me do some sort of circuit. She mixes it up all the time which I think is great. Today was all about the upper body. I have no upper body to speak of. It's sad really - I can leg press like 250 but my arms shake when I do shoulders with anything more than an 8 pounder. I was feeling a bit week today but I was super focused and pushed my way through all of it. I felt great at the end of it.
My gym is right downtown and as soon as I saw the change room I had fallen in love - it's just over a year old and has everything one could want from a gym and more....
www.stevenashsportsclub.com
I haven't tried any of the classes yet - mostly because I feel too fat and hate the thought of having to look at myself in a mirror for an hour with all my jiggly bits, well jiggling.

My energy level was super high after the gym - went to a few shops to try to get some of the items I saw on Oprah. Dr OZ was on sharing all sorts of info how to be beautiful. I thought I could remember the names of everything - but was soon overwhelmed by all the brightlights and pretty boxes so I didn't buy anything.
Here is a link for the products to buy that actually work:
http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20081023_tows_paulaproducts

I watched Oprah today - I'm not as big of an Oprah follower as this blog makes it seem - but anyways... Jennifer Aniston was on - that girl has some great arms. I want great arms - so along with sit ups and leg raises I do while watching TV I will be doing 50 wall push ups when I get up and 50 before I go to bed. I hope that in the near future I'll be able to do a real push up and then maybe even 25. How awesome would that be?

Anyone have little exercises they work into their other daily activites?
I do calf raises while I bruch my teeth and squats when I wash my face.

Day Five

2008-11-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

Review - had a great day - felt good - high energy - ate on target.
Tomorrow I meet up with my personal trainier for my weekly ass kicking. She's about 5'1 and is maybe 75 pounds soaking wet. I feel like a giant around her but that is besides the point, she gives me a great work out and is very supportive. I highly recomend having a personal trainier - sure it's spendy but they provide great value. I see mine weekly but I think once or twice a month would do the trick too.

I also love CalorieKing.com if it wasn't for that site I don't know if I'd be doing as great as I am with my eating. I firmly believe that tracking what you put in your mouth is required - it's so easy to mindlessly eat things. Having a daily tracker helps identify what your eating and where you can improve. The site also has a 12 week course that helps one learn about nutrition, emotional eating, fitness and alsorts of other goodies. Sorry this sounds like an advert but I am totally in love with it.

Day Four

2008-11-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

It's Rememberance Day. A somber day in general but it's also my granma's birthday. The first one since she passed away. My granma dying broke my heart. She was more like a mother to me and a best friend and it's been really hard since she has been gone. We all lived together, My greatgrandmother, grandfather, granma and dad. Now it's just me and dad. One by one they've all passed away. The house is so empty. And in a month it wont even be our house anymore. And in 6 months I'll be out on my own. I'm not really sure I know how to function on my own. I loved being at home with my family - the last year was very hard as I was the primary care person for my granma but I never resented it, I would have done it for another ten years. But they are all gone now and I have to start a life of my own. It's both exciting and very scary. It sounds silly but I'm afraid. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm going to have to but I'm afraid that I'll make bad choices out of loneliness and end up with a life full of regret. I guess that is life though - we just do the best we can with what we have.

On to the eating.
I ate more than I should have yesterday and the scale proves it. Up 1.4 pounds. That's outrageous and I'm completely disgusted about the whole thing. I haven't had a BM yet however so I'm hoping some of the 1.4 pounds is that. Way too much information I know. That's what you get here however - what you read is how it is - me unedited - how scary is that?

Day Three

2008-11-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

I love to see the scale drop every morning. Such a happy feeling. Infact I have a little happy dance I do. Dancing is magic - it just makes everything feel better and happy.

Today is my so called free day, but honestly I'm too afraid to go off plan. I'm not really craving anything and I don't really trust myself yet. I think I'm going to skip it today and just stick on plan. I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I find myself jonesing for something I'll splurge.

I have lots of things to do today but the most important is to hit the gym this afternoon. I'm going for an hour of cardio and and hour of curcuit training. This will be my first full training day, wonder how the scale will respond and I wonder how my hunger levels will be effected.

I'll update later on how the day went.

Well - I went ahead and had my "free" day. Though I didn't go over my calorie limit for the day my fat was way up. I know I have a habit of binge eating so the purpose of the "free" day is to ensure I never feel deprived or that things are off limit. I'm hoping to regulate the binges by maintaining this free day.

It has been a almost a year since I my last binge eating session and almost 2 years since I was doing it on a regular basis. Looking back it's amazing what a different head space I was in. My brain was controlled by negative thoughts. Repetitive negative thoughts. The eating was almost the only thing that I could control. Or so I thought at the time. I can see now what a spiral it was.

Have negative thought about self. Binge. Gain weight. Feel bad. Have negative thought about self. Binge. Gain weight. Feel bad. Have negative thought about self. Gain weight. Binge. Feel bad.

I feel so much better now about life and myself. I am not proud of my body as it stands now,but I know it is within my power to create such a body. And that is the road that I'm currently on. It still is an effort though. I find some of the hardest triggers at work. I'm working a part time job at a department store right now and I'm confronted with mirrors all day long. I say confronted because the only time I look in a mirror tends to be in the morning when I'm getting ready and that is only from the sholders up and at night washing my face in front of the same mirror. At work however it's like a fun house with mirrors everywhere I look. I almost quit the first day because I didn't think I could handle it but now I'm using it as great motivation to stay on plan and go to the gym more.

I started avoiding mirrors because they would show how my body was betraying me. I am a people pleaser first and was always taught to smile and be happy because that's what people want to see. So to the outside world I'm a happy person full of life and energy and fun. I've even been called Polly-Anna, I'm so darn chipper. What those people don't know is for years I'd drive home in tears from the stress of putting on a happy face and from all the negative things I felt about myself. Not to mention the binge eating. I feel that all my extra weight screams out my deepest darkest secret to the whole world because I equate a pound with negative thoughts. So here I am working so hard to show the world how happy I am and my body is saying the opposite.

I am a thousand times happier that I have been in years so now when I look in the mirror I'm saddened to see that my outside doesn't match my insides. But that is my goal now that I'm happy - to have my outsides match my insides - to be authentic.

I hope the scale isn't up too much in the morning.

Day Two

2008-11-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

Had a great day at work today.
I might pick up a few more hours per week because I'm having such a fun time.
And the money wont hurt.
I stayed on track with all my eating and am in fact a little bit under so I am wondering if I should splurge on a cookie and some milk.
Tomorrow is my free eating day - or so I have told myself. I'm not sure how I feel about it - or if I'm even going to do it. I might make it a free meal day otherwise I'm not sure I'd be able to stop chowing down. It's almost 9 pm and I'm not really hungry. So I think I'm going to skip it.

That's it for today.

Day One

2008-11-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

I pushed it after work last night and hit the gym. I only did 30 mins of cardio because my body wanted dinner and sleep. It did bring my grand total up to 50 mins cardio which is 5 mins more than my objective of 45 minutes. My new part time job is retail for the christmas season which means I'm on my feet all day and running around like a crazy person. I have yet to figure out how to calculate that in to calories burned.

I've started off the day with a proper breakfast. Need to pack my lunch. I'm not sure I have time to hit the gym before work but I will get my45 mins in today somehow.

I feel really good this morning.

WOW - what a crazy crazy crazy day. I knew it would be busy but wow - that was really busy - my feet were killing me by the end of my shift. And myself esteem was was down in the dumps after customers politely called me fat. Good Times. Good Times. I did keep my eating on track - not even one emotional calorie was consumed. Instead I treated myself to something I've been wanting for a very long time. A kick ass red lipstick. After my shift I marched myself over to the Channel counter and let them have their way with me. Red is such a hard colour to find - most the the drug store brands make it look like your wearing your mothers lipstick - or like a cheap whore. Not so much the look I'm going for. No this is a posh and sophisticated red that makes me feel rather elegant.

I feel bad that I didn't get in my 45 of cardio but I think I might have done enough running around the store today to offset that. The scale will tell in the morning. After of course my 8 hours of beauty rest. I heard that sleeping 8 hours helps aid in weight loss. We shall see.

Day Zero

2008-11-07T09:46:00.001-08:00

This is a case study of myself.
I want to see if it is in fact possible for me to lose half my weight.
I want to see how much weight I can lose in 100 days.
I wont be starving myself, using pills or anything foolish.
I have a personal trainer and will be eating properly.

The past couple of years have been hard.
I wont bore you with the details.
I spent the past year in counselling and have my head in check.

My weight gain has been mostly an emotional response.

I'm a bit of a nerd so here is the math on it:

1 negative thought about myself = 1 calorie
1 pound = 3,500 calories
135 pounds over weight = 472,500 negative thoughts

I buy and watch anything that shows amazing weightloss, it always seems too good to be true.
I wonder if eating right and fitness is really all there is too it. I am hoping so.
I will try to update this daily with pictures and weigh ins.
I will also note changes in my body.
I hear about lose skin and having full body lifts - what's the deal with that?
Those folks on the biggest loser don't seem to have that problem.
And what about stretch marks?
Yes, I have them but what is going to happen to them?

I haven't been fat my whole life - I gained all this weight in the past 5 years.
It feels like I've lost who I am under all this fat.
I hope that by losing the weight I find myself.